not to be overly dramatic…

but when you hear your doctor say “if you wouldn’t have come in with a ‘sore throat’, you’d probably been dead in 3 months” makes you change the way you look at life.

I don’t want to be a bank teller. I was good at it… I’m friendly enough, and smart enough… and in this town it’s one of the better jobs available. I’d be lucky if the bank hired me back when I’m released by the doctor to go back to work. Before I was diagnosed, but already feeling like shit I kinda looked forward to my job being easy for the rest of my life… I mean how hard is it to do basic math all day long? (sorry, but entry level bank teller is a pretty basic gig).

Dream job? Travel…  Meet people… take photo’s and tell stories… all with none (if any) of my own money and enough left over to have a place to lay my head and pay bills.

I’ve been asked if, when I feel better, I want to tell my story. Not enough people realize that HIV can be transmitted by a seemingly healthy man having sex with a seemingly healthy woman… it’s still stigmatized with gay men, prostitutes and drug users. There has been no talk of money… and it’s still a while off… my numbers still suck. No one expected any improvement yet, but mine have gotten worse.

My WBC is 1.2. I know I’ve mentioned being “on isolation”, but it was hammered into my head on Tuesday that I have to stay “healthy”. I CANNOT sneak off to Taco Bell for an 89c Chicken Gordita or even to to the pharmacy if I need more meds. A simple cold could kill me… turn to pneumonia overnight and fill my lungs with infectious fluid that my body could never fight.

So… if and when my numbers get back to normal. I may look into the speaking thing. I’d love to tell this story. While there was a time I told my mom I wanted to be a motivational speaker, I never felt I had a good enough story. Losing 150 pounds was awesome, but it was, for lack of a better term, easy. There were moments that were difficult, but I never questioned my decision to have weight loss surgery. The procedure went perfect, I had no side effects, (unless you can consider the second emotional puberty I went through), I lost the weight in 10 months, I’ve kept it off… it’s normally not that easy for most people.

I had a wonderful childhood… a great education… and was lucky getting new employment whenever I decided it was time to move on. In fact… all the “shit” that’s come along in my life, has happened since that hospital stay in 2007.

So I guess another reminder of “be careful what you wish for” comes along. Instead of crawling from the gutter… I can tell my story about how money and happiness doesn’t mean happily after ever. I went from being a successful exec level making $87K /year in one of the best cities on the West Coast… forgetting about moderation and being safe. Even if I never broke the law, did an illegal drug, or anything considered deviant… to being 37, living with my parents, unemployable and depending on them for support…. life threw me curve ball.

Now to find a way to turn it into a home run.

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3 Comments

  1. Wait on the timing, and swing sweetie! It will be “outta there!”

    • thanks Lisa!

  2. Write your book now. Your sitting there. Write a little or a lot at a time. Do what you can. You have a story to tell. A story that might save someone else’s life. Or more people’s lives. You’re an amazing person and you are so beautiful inside and out. You have a lot to say. Say it. Not just here.


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