it’s good to talk.

Outside you guys, I’ve only told some of my internet friends about my diagnosis. I’ve told exactly one of my friends. My best friend. Since I’ve told her a weight seems to have lifted. So I gave my mom permission to tell her best friend… she cried afterwards and said the same thing. It feels so good just to be able to talk about it. The fear of the unknown and the comfort that comes from someone being supportive.

I haven’t told any of my ex-roommates, who are my closest friends.

I’ve told one of my grandparents, my real fathers mother. Only because she’s been concerned about me for years, since I started getting ill.

I have a lot of family in both England and Australia, I cannot decide whether to tell them or not. They don’t really need to know… I’m not even sure if any of them really know I’ve been ill.

My Nana in England passed away yesterday. It wasn’t a surprise, but it hurt just the same. I wish I could have visited her one more time… guess I need to remember that and take opportunities as they come instead of “maybe later”.

My best friend’s birthday party is this weekend, and my second best friends actual birthday is Saturday as well… I would give anything to be able to drive down and spend some time with both of them… but my WBC is still in the toilet, so I’m stuck here… at home.

Now since I’ve been feeling better, I moved my laptop desk, with my laptop and 2 hard drives out to the living room so I could sit out there while mom cooked and canned and baked and did all the end of summer stuff. I’d check blogs, email, facebook, twitter occasionally from the couch, and then when I felt up to it I’d help her of crochet a bit. I sometimes work on pictures, backing up my mom & sisters cameras. I’ll play WoW for a bit or check message boards. Sometimes I’ll StumbleUpon or see what’s hot on YouTube. The normal stuff we all do, but instead of being at my desk, in my bedroom, I was able to have conversations with mom and who ever was over at the house.

My step-father, who is the only dad I’ve ever known… is on vacation this week. I guess he thinks there’s too much “stuff” in the living room… so I’ve been… banished, for lack of a better term, back to my room… talk about a blow. I finally feel good enough to get out of bed, but still have to stay in my room… it upset me… it upset my mom… but he’s a selfish man who wants things to never change.

He doesn’t understand how we (my sisters and I) can spend hours online… he’s never used a computer… I get that he doesn’t know any better… but him watching TV is perfectly fine… whatever… I like my room just fine… it just hurt my feelings at the time.

I think I made my mom feel guilty tho… I don’t have enough USB ports, so she’s looking for a HUB for me… if I’m gonna be in here full time, might as well be able to hook everything up right? THANKS MOM!

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3 Comments

  1. I think your stepfather’s being an insensitive ass. I hope I don’t make you mad by saying that, but it’s almost like he’s quarantining you. It makes me mad.

    • he is… and he’s being weird about stupid stuff… like how much ice I use… He’s only home on the weekends, so I can handle it… I don’t know what he’s going through emotionally right now… his brother died of AIDS in the mid 90’s when it was a horribly debilitating disease… I’ll “go to my room” for now, but think he’ll mellow out as I start acting more normal. Maybe he didn’t like seeing me so sick?

      • I think that’s a big part of it. He has to face it when you’re right there in his living room. It’s a defense mechanism. But it still sucks.


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